As I’ve gotten older I no longer have patience for small talk. It just feels like a waste of time. I want to know the real deep-down shit about people. What makes them tick? When were they most happy in their lives? What’s been their biggest disappointment or failure? How did they bounce back? Where do they want to be in ten years? Any bucket list items they’re eager to check off? If they could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? 1:1 dialogue is where it’s at. That’s where you learn the stuff about people that makes you feel something. It’s the same reason I love to read biographies. I want to know the essence of someone, not the superficial, surface-level bullshit (you the human > you the public persona). Over the past year I’ve read the following memoirs:
The Light We Carry by Michelle Obama
Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry
The Storyteller by Dave Grohl
Oath and Honor by Liz Cheney
Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey
The Truths We Hold by Kamala Harris
Be Useful by Arnold Schwarzenegger
A Life in Parts by Bryan Cranston
What I Know For Sure by Oprah Winfrey
From Here to the Great Unknown by Lisa Marie Presley
Born A Crime by Trevor Noah
Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain
A Very Punchable Face by Colin Jost
It’s a Long Story by Willie Nelson
Being Henry by Henry Winkler
Yes Please by Amy Poehler
I enjoyed them all for different reasons, and I intentionally chose a diverse range of people to learn about. Each of these authors is highly introspective and ultimately found success in their chosen field. But before they did, they all dealt with various setbacks and differing degrees of self doubt. Some were unable to overcome their demons (Matthew Perry, Lisa Marie Presley, Anthony Bourdain). Others became stronger as a result of their adversity. Each have led fascinating lives and all have left a lasting mark on the world in some way. Perhaps most importantly what they share in common is that they are all indelibly human. That’s why I want to learn someone’s real story, and have no time for the highlight reels they post on social media. The more I learn about other people the more I learn about myself, and the more I’m ultimately convinced that we’re all pretty much the same, except for Oprah – she’s the chosen one! 🙂 Bottom line how about we all cut the bullshit and start being real…
As I’ve gotten older, I really have no patience for people who think too highly of themselves. Confidence is a good thing and it’s one of the key ingredients to success. But when confidence bleeds over into arrogance, the goodness ceases to exist. The dirty little secret about arrogance is that it’s most often used to mask insecurities. Truly confident people don’t need to boast about their accomplishments, they don’t need to put others down to feel better about themselves, and they will usually listen far more than they talk. They know that their actions will speak for themselves. Arrogant people are just the opposite. They use bravado to cover up their shortcomings, they intentionally do things to make others feel small, and they will usually talk far more than they listen. The rare few who truly do believe that they are better or smarter than everyone else likely suffer from a personality disorder (see current POTUS). Regardless of the root cause, arrogance is never a good look. The more time I spend on this earth the more I realize we’re all the fucking same, man. Some of us may be better at certain things than others, but at the end of the day we’re all equally flawed and wonderful in our own ways. One of the many things I love about working at Torq is that we have a strict no assholes policy. In case you were wondering what constitutes being an asshole, I’ve made a top ten list below:
10) If you’ve ever lied to someone’s face because you lacked the courage to have an honest conversation… you might be an asshole
9) If you’re ever publicly demeaned anyone for any reason… you might be an asshole
8) If you’ve ever passed on hiring someone because you think they may be better at the job than you… you might be an asshole
7) If you’ve ever taken too much of the credit for someone else’s work… you might be an asshole
6) If you’ve ever one-upped somebody with a story full of name drops to make yourself sound more important… you might be an asshole
5) If you’ve ever proclaimed yourself to be an expert in anything, and you don’t have a PhD… you might be an asshole
4) If you’ve ever delighted in terminating someone’s employment… you might an asshole
3) If you’ve ever stopped listening to someone mid conversation because you’ve lost interest… you might be an asshole
2) If you’ve ever flexed on someone just because you can… you might be an asshole
1) If you think none of these things apply to you because of your position or title… you’re definitely an asshole
Bottom line, don’t be an asshole. Stay humble, work hard, be kind. Good things will follow
Whenever I set a big goal for myself, I inevitably feel let down right after I’ve reached it. I know the disappointment is waiting for me just on the other side of the achievement, but I can still never avoid it. Perhaps it’s a personality defect or possibly my reaction is part of a larger life lesson. Maybe the purpose of life is not about reaching a destination, but rather about being present in each moment and soaking it in.
When I look back on my career there’s two distinct windows in time where everything seemed perfect. The first window came very early in my career when I was a seller at EMC. I was part of a high performing team where everyone got along and genuinely enjoyed working together. Every member of our team qualified for the club trip two years in a row which is very rare. We had an absolute blast partying together on the beach and celebrating our joint success. That window only lasted for a couple years before attrition got the best of us. The next window came over a decade later when I joined an early-stage start-up as part of the founding sales team. I was able to build multiple teams across multiple geographies and establish a culture I was proud of. I genuinely enjoyed every person I worked with (for the most part :). We accomplished great things and had fun doing it together. It was five years of (mostly) awesome until the politicians showed up and slammed that window shut. Looking back the commonality between the two windows is that I didn’t realize how good we had it at the time. I was too busy chasing goals.
A CEO I used to work for, who’s the most successful person I’ve ever known, used to say that he doesn’t set goals. He simply tries to be as impactful as possible every single day whatever that means in the moment. The downside is that he’s never satisfied, like he’s climbing a mountain he’ll never peak. But the upside is that there’s no limit to what he can achieve. We’re certainly not wired the same way, but perhaps he’s onto something. Maybe a reframe is all I need to fully enjoy and embrace this third awesome window that just opened at Torq. I’ve decided I’m not going to set a single goal for myself. I don’t care about titles, W2’s, equity grants, or IPO’s. I’m simply going to get up every morning with a positive attitude and a grateful heart, and attempt to be as impactful as possible whatever that means in each moment. And I’m going to take time along the way to soak it all in, because awesome times can be fleeting.
We lost Sophie just over a year ago. Honestly I’ve never experienced grief like that before in my life. I’d lost relatives and several friends (none that were close), but nothing had ever affected me like the loss of my best friend. She may have been just a dog (a Shitzu to be precise) and she may have only weighed eight pounds, but losing her stopped me dead in my tracks. I still can’t look at pictures of her without getting emotional. In many ways animals are superior to humans. They’re innocent and pure and good. Sophie epitomized all of those things, but she was also one of the most selfish creatures I’ve ever encountered. Everything was always all about her, and for some reason I found it endearing and amusing.
Sometimes I feel like I exist within my own head, so it’s hard to genuinely connect with other people. Animals cut through this barrier. It’s like they’re able to bypass your brain and imprint directly on your soul. They love you completely despite all of your flaws. It’s almost not even fair. And you’re their whole world so the relationship is purely authentic. My wife and I have always loved animals and we’ve had many different pets over our thirty years together; dogs, cats, lizards, fish, hermit crabs, hamsters, and even a desert tortoise. Unlike most other creatures, dogs and cats tend to pick a person. Sure, they’re loving to everyone in the family, but there’s inevitably one person who becomes theirs. Over the years just about every dog and cat we’ve ever owned has picked my wife to be their person. It makes total sense. In our home she’s the sun and we all exist in her orbit. For whatever reason, Sophie was the first dog or cat to choose me. Perhaps her selfish nature made her my spirit animal 🙂 Regardless whenever I got home she was the first one to greet me with excitement and kisses. She followed me everywhere I went and would snuggle down right next to me wherever I sat. She slept next to me every night in our bed. And every morning during our walk, I couldn’t help but smile at how particular she was sniffing everything in sight until she found just the perfect spot to do her business. After we lost her, I was left with a Sophie sized whole in my heart.
The only saving grace was that we still had Sophie’s sister, a seven pound Maltese named Zoey, who was blind and deaf at that point and near the end of her life as well. I gave Zoey all of my love which helped a lot with the grief, but we lost her six months later, and my emotional wound was once again exposed. My wife could tell I was struggling and suggested we get a new pet to distract my sorrow. At first I was against the idea. We’d recently become empty nesters and the plan was to start traveling the world. Anyone who’s owned pets knows they’re not very conducive to world travel. I eventually relented and we adopted a one year old feral cat we named Harper, who is an absolute angel. But guess who she picked? Yup – Harper is my wife’s cat through and through.
Two months after we adopted Harper, my wife’s esthetician was looking for a home for a six month old kitten. He was living with two asthmatic children and his fur was causing breathing problems, so they had to give him up. My first thought was no way, we just adopted a cat that will need to be farmed out whenever we travel. Two cats would make it that much more difficult and expensive. My wife usually knows what I need even when I don’t, so she over-ruled me and we adopted a second cat we named Logan. And guess what? Lighting struck twice and Logan chose me! He’s the first one to greet me when I get home with excited meows and kisses. He follows me everywhere I go and snuggles down right next to me wherever I sit. He sleeps next to me every night in our bed. And he sits next to me in his stroller whenever I work outside which is often (see picture at top of post). Like Sophie, he’s also extremely selfish so I guess I found my second spirit animal 🙂
Sophie can never be replaced, but Logan has filled a void and greatly improved the quality of my life. I suppose the lesson here is that the universe will give you what you need if you’re open to it… and you should always listen to your wife 🙂 I went from being the fruity dog guy to being the fruity cat guy, and I’m totally okay with it. Gotta own your shit, right? Animals enrich our lives and are truly a blessing.
“American Beauty” is a satirical drama that follows Lester Burnham, a man feeling trapped in his mundane life and marriage, as he undergoes a transformation seeking a renewed sense of purpose. Lester’s mid-life crisis forces him to confront his dissatisfaction with the way he’s been living his life, leading to a strange and somewhat dark search for authenticity and meaning. Lester’s quest ends tragically highlighting the danger of unchecked desires and the fragility of life. Despite all this it’s always been one of my favorite films. I guess I appreciate the odd juxtaposition of darkness and light intertwined throughout Lester’s dichotomous journey of self discovery. The film concludes with one of my favorite quotes:
“…I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me; But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much – My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And, I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But, don’t worry. You will someday”
-Lester Burnham
Make no mistake Lester Burnham’s life was shitty and pathetic. His career was in shambles, his marriage had fallen apart, and his daughter had no respect for him. Yet somehow he still chose to see beauty in the world and find joy in his journey. Life is hard. Bad stuff happens all the time. Injustice can be found just about everywhere. It’s easy to lose faith and start to question the very meaning behind it all. This is how negative mindsets are born. Taken to an extreme this disposition can lead to a person becoming nihilistic, which is derived from the Latin word “nihil” meaning “nothing”. It’s a philosophy that rejects the idea of inherent meaning, purpose, or value in life (think people who go off the rails and commit mass shootings). This is obviously a very dark and dangerous place to be, but fortunately most sane people will never arrive here. Even going slightly negative can have an adverse affect on the quality of your life however.
In my book I talk about my rock bottom moment at forty years old. I was in the midst of what I thought was a career comeback when I was abruptly let go from my job. We were living paycheck to paycheck at the time and had no savings whatsoever. Since the termination was unexpected I had no leads for employment elsewhere. My resume was also looking pretty rough after several years of tough sledding, and I had no idea how I was going to pay our bills. It would have been very easy to go negative. And up to that point in my life that was generally the direction I’d leaned. I felt unjustly entitled at work which was career limiting. I was oddly competitive with other people which was relationship limiting. I viewed life as a zero sum game where in order for me to win, somebody else had to lose. This made it very hard for me to be happy for other people’s accomplishments and success. I realize now this is a serious character flaw and in many ways I’m not proud of the person I was for the first forty years of my life.
But then something happened inside of me after I was fired for the first time in my career at forty years old. In a moment of clarity I realized the error in my ways. If I continued plodding along with the same negative mindset I would likely lose everything. So I went the other way. I took stock in all the positive things in my life. I had a loving wife and kids, my health, good friendships and family, so much more of the world to explore, and a much brighter future ahead. I even chose to view the termination in a positive light. My chain of command in that job was mediocre and myopic. They weren’t teaching me anything or making me better. And my new boss who’d orchestrated my demise was a buffoon. Working for that mouth breather would have been miserable. They actually did me a favor cutting me loose. I’ve always believed that success is the best revenge, so I used it as fuel while I formulated a plan for my career renaissance.
Ten years of positive thinking later I’d peaked the mountain. I joined an early-stage start-up as one of the very first employees. I gave a life force effort in building the company for eight years, and experienced a level of success I’d never reached before. But then right before the glorious IPO, I was unceremoniously let go. Fired for just the second time in my career. I found myself on the precipice of some very negative thinking. I took time off and hit the spiritual reset button. I wrote a book as a form of therapy and eventually found closure. I now view that termination in a positive light as well. I worked my ass off and got the opportunity to do the very best work of my career. The person I became is more confident and more comfortable in my own skin. And I’m forever grateful for the financial turnaround it provided. But the reality is once the politicians showed up that place became toxic and soul crushing. They actually did me a favor cutting me loose. I now get to work in a far more positive environment with far more authentic people. I’m inspired again and back to creating my own positive momentum.
One thing I learned through all the ups and downs of the last decade is that comparison is the killer of joy. Someone else will always have more than you or be better than you in some way. The key to staying positive is to find joy in what you’ve got. And if you don’t like what you’ve got, work harder and figure it out. From someone who coasted through the majority of their career without living up to their potential, and then went the other way, it’s much easier to find joy when you’re busting ass. Regardless of your circumstances or your station in life, the only way to be happy is to stay positive and grateful. And then hopefully you’ll be able to find joy in the journey, just like Lester Burnham.
JQ Rising 