JQ Rising

Tag: life

  • Lessons For My Granddaughter

    My first grandchild, Elena, entered the world on 5/31/25. I haven’t been this happy or excited about anything for a very long time. Whenever I’m with her my cup is full. Being a grandparent is the best. It’s all the good things about being a parent with none of the responsibility. When I was a new parent at twenty five years old, I didn’t know shit. I was just trying to keep my kids alive and love them, while also trying to make a living. At the time I didn’t have much to teach them about how to approach life or their eventual careers. Twenty five years later I know a few more things. I plan on teaching Elena all the things I would have taught my children had I known them at the time:

    1) Trust your gut

    Steve Jobs said it best: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” In other words, you do you. You alone are the author of your story and can edit it at any time

    2) Comparison is the killer of joy

    Appreciate what you’ve got, and pay no attention to little miss next to you – remember that song? 🙂 Someone will always have more than you or be superior to you in some way. Accept it, and try to find a way to be happy for them instead of envious. I struggle with this daily, but training the mind is like training a puppy. The work is never done. Instead of worrying so much about other people’s lives, try to focus on all the goodness in yours. Limiting your time on social media is a great place to start 🙂

    3) Never complete a negative thought

    This one is inspired by Henry Winkler’s autobiography, Being Henry. He advises to never complete a negative thought. Instead you should interrupt it by saying something like, “I have no time for that now”, or by replacing the negative thought with a positive one. Winkler’s example of a positive thought is “moist chocolate Bundt cake,” but you can think of whatever is positive for you. The point is if you allow yourself to complete a negative thought it will send you to a negative place, and it’s easy to spiral from there. If you always keep yourself in a positive mindset you will always have positive momentum. You should also read Being Henry. It’s very entertaining and Henry Winkler may be the nicest human alive   

    4) Choose your tribe wisely

    Humans are social creatures and we have an intrinsic need for belonging. Be sure to surround yourself with people who lift you up, not bring you down. Don’t ever stay in a relationship or a job with the latter

    5) Strive for meaning over happiness

    Happiness will come and go, but meaning will give you something to hold onto. “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful…” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. One of the pillars of a meaningful life is purpose. Finding your purpose is less about what you want, and more about what you can offer the world. Use your strengths to succeed and help others along the way. Good things will follow

    6) Choose hard 

    Embrace doing hard things. When making big decisions in your life or career, don’t be tempted to take the easy path. It’ll always be there. All growth happens on the hard path, the one where you’re pushed outside of your comfort zone. I’ve chosen the easy path and I’ve chosen the hard path. Turns out all the good stuff in my life was waiting just on the other side of the hard one

    7) Just keep swimming!

    You’re going to make plenty of mistakes and do some things you’re not proud of. Learn and be better. Focus on progress over perfection. And most importantly try to live in the present. Too much looking forward makes it hard to appreciate what’s right in front of you. Too much looking back keeps you stuck in the past. Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow isn’t promised. Find joy in the simple things and try to maximize every moment. Putting your phone away is a great place to start 🙂

    8) Believe and you will achieve

    Sometimes you’ll feel inspired, like you can accomplish anything. Other times you’ll feel small, like the world is against you. It’s all about perspective and self-imposed barriers. The only limiting factor is you. Ignore the self doubt, everyone feels it sometimes. Believe in yourself, and you are capable of anything

    9) Always play the game in a skillful state

    If you go the business route for your career, always remember that work is a game. You must control the narrative to survive and advance. The best way is with maximum effort and always being coachable <insert shameless plug here> You can also read my book, Rise! Available through Amazon or Barnes & Noble 

    10) Be a good human

    At times you will be faced with choices that will test your character and integrity. Try to always do the right thing and treat people the way you’d like to be treated. You’ll sleep better at night, and I believe karma is ultimately a determining factor in your life’s fate. Plus the world needs more kindness   

  • Don’t Be An Asshole

    As I’ve gotten older, I really have no patience for people who think too highly of themselves. Confidence is a good thing and it’s one of the key ingredients to success. But when confidence bleeds over into arrogance, the goodness ceases to exist. The dirty little secret about arrogance is that it’s most often used to mask insecurities. Truly confident people don’t need to boast about their accomplishments, they don’t need to put others down to feel better about themselves, and they will usually listen far more than they talk. They know that their actions will speak for themselves. Arrogant people are just the opposite. They use bravado to cover up their shortcomings, they intentionally do things to make others feel small, and they will usually talk far more than they listen. The rare few who truly do believe that they are better or smarter than everyone else likely suffer from a personality disorder (see current POTUS). Regardless of the root cause, arrogance is never a good look. The more time I spend on this earth the more I realize we’re all the fucking same, man. Some of us may be better at certain things than others, but at the end of the day we’re all equally flawed and wonderful in our own ways. One of the many things I love about working at Torq is that we have a strict no assholes policy. In case you were wondering what constitutes being an asshole, I’ve made a top ten list below:  

    10) If you’ve ever lied to someone’s face because you lacked the courage to have an honest conversation… you might be an asshole

    9) If you’re ever publicly demeaned anyone for any reason… you might be an asshole

    8) If you’ve ever passed on hiring someone because you think they may be better at the job than you… you might be an asshole

    7) If you’ve ever taken too much of the credit for someone else’s work… you might be an asshole

    6) If you’ve ever one-upped somebody with a story full of name drops to make yourself sound more important… you might be an asshole

    5) If you’ve ever proclaimed yourself to be an expert in anything, and you don’t have a PhD… you might be an asshole

    4) If you’ve ever delighted in terminating someone’s employment… you might an asshole

    3) If you’ve ever stopped listening to someone mid conversation because you’ve lost interest… you might be an asshole

    2) If you’ve ever flexed on someone just because you can… you might be an asshole

    1) If you think none of these things apply to you because of your position or title… you’re definitely an asshole

    Bottom line, don’t be an asshole. Stay humble, work hard, be kind. Good things will follow

  • The Mind Is A Funny Thing

    I’ve always been a perfectionist in certain ways. For instance typos drive me nuts. I’m always annoyed when I find them in other people’s work, but it’s even worse when I find them in my own. There’s a typo on page 89 of my book by the way, and it will always will be there mocking me. Imperfections in my possessions also drive me nuts. After the IPO at my previous employer changed our financial fortunes, my wife and I decided to splurge on just one thing. Throughout our relationship we’ve both always appreciated nice cars. So we decided to make a short list of all the cars we would buy if money wasn’t an issue. We eventually landed on a Porsche Taycan GTS and paid cash for it. Every time I’m behind the wheel I feel a strange mix of joy and anxiety. On the one hand it’s exhilarating to drive my dream car. On the other hand we spent more on that car than we did on our first house, and it would kill me if anything bad ever happened to it. It is the epitome of perfection and I’d like to keep it that way. I honestly may get more joy out of keeping it clean in my garage than driving it. But then one day it inevitably got its first scratch from some careless asshole in a parking lot, and… I felt an odd sense of relief. The same odd sense of relief I felt when I found that typo in my book. It’s hard to explain. It was like my mind suddenly went quiet, because I was no longer stressed out about maintaining the appearance of perfection. I suppose it wouldn’t be a bad thing to approach life in general this way. Perhaps imperfections exist as a comfortable reminder that life isn’t meant to be perfect. Maybe the lesson here is to stop chasing perfection and find joy in the mundane. Happiness is a choice and a direct reflection of how we perceive ourselves in the world. Unfortunately no amount of possessions will get you there without the right state of mind, not even a super expensive sports car 🙂 

    In sales we live our lives in ninety day chunks. Every quarter close is like navigating a mine field. A misstep here or there and you can easily blow yourself up. Since I had previously put myself behind the eight ball financially, the stakes were always very high at every quarter end. I needed to deliver results in order to survive. This resulted in major stress and anxiety, like I was living in a pressure cooker. The aforementioned IPO resolved my financial stress, and also changed my mental approach. I now view the quarter end pressure as a privilege. It simply means I’m doing something that matters. I will continue to bust ass and do everything in my power to deliver results, but I won’t stress about the things I can’t control. I’ll roll through the twists and turns of every quarter end on an even keel, I won’t grip when I receive bad news on a deal, and I won’t over identify with my troops and adjust to their stress levels. I will keep calm, carry on, and let the chips fall where they may. A zen state of mind is also a choice and a direct reflection of how we perceive ourselves in the world.

    Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way, and not get wrapped around the axle focusing on the wrong things. Happiness and zen are there for the taking if we can simply recalibrate our minds.

  • Goals Aren’t For Everyone

    Whenever I set a big goal for myself, I inevitably feel let down right after I’ve reached it. I know the disappointment is waiting for me just on the other side of the achievement, but I can still never avoid it. Perhaps it’s a personality defect or possibly my reaction is part of a larger life lesson. Maybe the purpose of life is not about reaching a destination, but rather about being present in each moment and soaking it in.

    When I look back on my career there’s two distinct windows in time where everything seemed perfect. The first window came very early in my career when I was a seller at EMC. I was part of a high performing team where everyone got along and genuinely enjoyed working together. Every member of our team qualified for the club trip two years in a row which is very rare. We had an absolute blast partying together on the beach and celebrating our joint success. That window only lasted for a couple years before attrition got the best of us. The next window came over a decade later when I joined an early-stage start-up as part of the founding sales team. I was able to build multiple teams across multiple geographies and establish a culture I was proud of. I genuinely enjoyed every person I worked with (for the most part :). We accomplished great things and had fun doing it together. It was five years of (mostly) awesome until the politicians showed up and slammed that window shut. Looking back the commonality between the two windows is that I didn’t realize how good we had it at the time. I was too busy chasing goals.

    A CEO I used to work for, who’s the most successful person I’ve ever known, used to say that he doesn’t set goals. He simply tries to be as impactful as possible every single day whatever that means in the moment. The downside is that he’s never satisfied, like he’s climbing a mountain he’ll never peak. But the upside is that there’s no limit to what he can achieve. We’re certainly not wired the same way, but perhaps he’s onto something. Maybe a reframe is all I need to fully enjoy and embrace this third awesome window that just opened at Torq. I’ve decided I’m not going to set a single goal for myself. I don’t care about titles, W2’s, equity grants, or IPO’s. I’m simply going to get up every morning with a positive attitude and a grateful heart, and attempt to be as impactful as possible whatever that means in each moment. And I’m going to take time along the way to soak it all in, because awesome times can be fleeting.

  • Finding Joy in the Journey

    “American Beauty” is a satirical drama that follows Lester Burnham, a man feeling trapped in his mundane life and marriage, as he undergoes a transformation seeking a renewed sense of purpose. Lester’s mid-life crisis forces him to confront his dissatisfaction with the way he’s been living his life, leading to a strange and somewhat dark search for authenticity and meaning. Lester’s quest ends tragically highlighting the danger of unchecked desires and the fragility of life. Despite all this it’s always been one of my favorite films. I guess I appreciate the odd juxtaposition of darkness and light intertwined throughout Lester’s dichotomous journey of self discovery. The film concludes with one of my favorite quotes:

    “…I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me; But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much – My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And, I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But, don’t worry. You will someday”

    -Lester Burnham

    Make no mistake Lester Burnham’s life was shitty and pathetic. His career was in shambles, his marriage had fallen apart, and his daughter had no respect for him. Yet somehow he still chose to see beauty in the world and find joy in his journey. Life is hard. Bad stuff happens all the time. Injustice can be found just about everywhere. It’s easy to lose faith and start to question the very meaning behind it all. This is how negative mindsets are born. Taken to an extreme this disposition can lead to a person becoming nihilistic, which is derived from the Latin word “nihil” meaning “nothing”. It’s a philosophy that rejects the idea of inherent meaning, purpose, or value in life (think people who go off the rails and commit mass shootings). This is obviously a very dark and dangerous place to be, but fortunately most sane people will never arrive here. Even going slightly negative can have an adverse affect on the quality of your life however.  

    In my book I talk about my rock bottom moment at forty years old. I was in the midst of what I thought was a career comeback when I was abruptly let go from my job. We were living paycheck to paycheck at the time and had no savings whatsoever. Since the termination was unexpected I had no leads for employment elsewhere. My resume was also looking pretty rough after several years of tough sledding, and I had no idea how I was going to pay our bills. It would have been very easy to go negative. And up to that point in my life that was generally the direction I’d leaned. I felt unjustly entitled at work which was career limiting. I was oddly competitive with other people which was relationship limiting. I viewed life as a zero sum game where in order for me to win, somebody else had to lose. This made it very hard for me to be happy for other people’s accomplishments and success. I realize now this is a serious character flaw and in many ways I’m not proud of the person I was for the first forty years of my life.  

    But then something happened inside of me after I was fired for the first time in my career at forty years old. In a moment of clarity I realized the error in my ways. If I continued plodding along with the same negative mindset I would likely lose everything. So I went the other way. I took stock in all the positive things in my life. I had a loving wife and kids, my health, good friendships and family, so much more of the world to explore, and a much brighter future ahead. I even chose to view the termination in a positive light. My chain of command in that job was mediocre and myopic. They weren’t teaching me anything or making me better. And my new boss who’d orchestrated my demise was a buffoon. Working for that mouth breather would have been miserable. They actually did me a favor cutting me loose. I’ve always believed that success is the best revenge, so I used it as fuel while I formulated a plan for my career renaissance. 

    Ten years of positive thinking later I’d peaked the mountain. I joined an early-stage start-up as one of the very first employees. I gave a life force effort in building the company for eight years, and experienced a level of success I’d never reached before. But then right before the glorious IPO, I was unceremoniously let go. Fired for just the second time in my career. I found myself on the precipice of some very negative thinking. I took time off and hit the spiritual reset button. I wrote a book as a form of therapy and eventually found closure. I now view that termination in a positive light as well. I worked my ass off and got the opportunity to do the very best work of my career. The person I became is more confident and more comfortable in my own skin.  And I’m forever grateful for the financial turnaround it provided. But the reality is once the politicians showed up that place became toxic and soul crushing. They actually did me a favor cutting me loose. I now get to work in a far more positive environment with far more authentic people. I’m inspired again and back to creating my own positive momentum.

    One thing I learned through all the ups and downs of the last decade is that comparison is the killer of joy. Someone else will always have more than you or be better than you in some way. The key to staying positive is to find joy in what you’ve got.  And if you don’t like what you’ve got, work harder and figure it out. From someone who coasted through the majority of their career without living up to their potential, and then went the other way, it’s much easier to find joy when you’re busting ass. Regardless of your circumstances or your station in life, the only way to be happy is to stay positive and grateful. And then hopefully you’ll be able to find joy in the journey, just like Lester Burnham.